The pendulum swings
from doubt...to faith,
despair...hope,
ignored.....helped,
Certainly there must be a middle place
to just....stop.
I suppose there is: death.

A surprisingly warm November day...

Things are so uncertain right now. The air force did not work out. I was hoping to get a job at the Pioneer Center and that did not work out again. Right now, I'm doing readings, working for Stephanie, and was recently hired at Barnes and Noble to pay the bills. I applied for N.I.U.'s Applied Family and Child Studies program. I'm hoping to either get into the program, or find a good paying job that is in the social services field.
I did get a letter from the Department of Human Services saying that I have been put on an eligibility list for a good paying Social Services Trainee position. So that's something.
I'm hoping that something big for the positive will happen soon. This year, other than Jim proposing, has been very difficult. I am blessed with a wonderful man, good friends, and a family that cares.
I really want to work. Not just a serious of endless part time jobs, but an actual good paying job that I enjoy. I want to be able to marry Jim and have a place to live together. I keep trying, praying and waiting.

The recruiter appointment was a dissapointment as per usual. There were a few things that got accomplished: 1) My tattoo approval form 2) My credit check approval form 3) I was sent home with a big form to fill out that I have 99%complete. 4) I should be hearing tomorrow about when I can take the asvab test in Des Plains.
I also had an interview today with a local chiropractor. We seemed to get along just fine and he was o.k. with me leaving in 4-6 months. The only problem is that he does not want me to start until a month from now. I am going to keep looking for other work in the meantime. I keep downsizing everything from books to clothes to paperwork. It is a long process for a seemingly simple task. It is going well though.
Jim should be coming out here soon (YAY). My sister and nephew should also be getting here soon as well. I'm looking forward to seeing everybody.
I'm not sure what to think about the chiropractors office. The interview was very impromptu. I guess I'll see in a month if he still is interested.

Things are getting better. FINALLY getting better. That is, after a few hiccups. Jim's family was not happy, but now they are calming down. Evolve's business license was revoked due to not paying the sales taxes (no surprise there) so that job is no more unless she decides to fix that situation. I've been doing more readings and people have been generous with their tips. My friend Alberta is hooking me up with two people for readings this week. Options is having another psychic fair on the 17th, where 4 people have already requested me!!!! YAY. I'm still working with Stephanie and getting a few more hours than before, which helps. I applied to World Market and Barnes and Noble, so hoping one of those works out for my third part time job. For scheduling purposes, I was hoping Evolve would work out. I don't know if she is honestly going to reopen the store. It has been very slow, so not really sure there.
Overall, I've been trying to downsize my belongings. It is taking a while because I get easily overwhelmed sometimes when it comes to this task. This time, so far so good. I have already donated some clothes, given some books to the Options library, and am selling some books online for cash. I think that some of my jewelry is supposed to go to other people, as are some of the supplies. I want to make moving as easy as possible, especially if Jim is the one that will have to handle the majority to meet me at our house!!!!
I am still feeling really good about the air force. I have been calm and happy for the first time in a really long time. I am running more to prepare for boot camp. Tuesday, I will be meeting with the recruiter again to get a better idea as to more details: when will I take the test? How long after the test will I go to boot camp? How long is tech. school? Do I get any leave in between boot camp and tech school? Do I get a little leave after tech school so that I can help with the moving process? When do I get into our new home? what is the list that I can bring to boot camp? Ect.
Having a time approximate for boot camp would really help with the physical training part as well as knowing when to pack up my belongings. Hopefully the meeting on Tuesday will be very informative.
After some dates are nailed down, then Jim and I can plan our wedding!!!!

Today I lost a friend. Not in a sad way, so much as in a disappointing way. Through my time at I.S.U., I was friends with Brooke. This relationship was always somewhat distant, but pleasant. I enjoyed her company and have tried to keep in touch since graduation. I realized that I gave more than I received in this relationship, but until today I did not realize how much.
I was kind of bummed that Loretta seemed to not support our decision to go into the air force. I mentioned this to Brooke. Then she said that she agreed and did not agree with it either. She then said the following: 1) I always give to Jim. My life is all about Jim. 2) I am giving up everything that I wanted 3) This is a mistake 4) I did not look for a job hard enough 5)Asked me why did not have a job yet 6) Compared my situation to a friend of hers that successfully acquired a position in Arizona 7) Said that I expected too much professionally. She said that I expected to walk into a cushy job and was not willing to work from the bottom and that's not how it works. 8) Said that this was all supposed to help me come to some new conclusions and had the audacity to say I love you and call herself my friend. 9) Said that I did not spend enough time with her and Loretta while I was at school.

I explained that the air force was my idea. That Jim was willing to follow me wherever I went and then thought it was a good option for him too. I also said that I hope that when she gets done with school if she does not have a job right away, I hope no one ever tells her that she isn't trying hard enough and asking her why she does not have a job yet. I told her how hard I have been trying to get a job and that I am looking for another job right now. I also said that I have always supported her regardless of if I agreed with what she did.

To say that I'm disappointed would be an understatement. I forgive her because this means I will not waste anymore time.

Working at Evolve today. I went to the gym that I signed up for to help prepare for boot camp. Every now and again I am feeling a slight twinge of panic about this decision. For the most part I am calm about it. Jim seems happy about it too. I am trying to get rolling on the paperwork so that I can sign up. In October, Jim will be signing up as well. Part of me wishes that I had the deadline of when I would leave and all of the details. The other part of me thinks that maybe its better to just go with the flow on this one. What I do know is that I have been able to relax for the first time in months because of this plan. I am just going to continue to work out and improve every time. There isn't a whole lot to do other than that, learning the basics like rank, and finding more part time work for the time being. At least I will be working here every Thursday now. I'm also still working with Stephanie which works out to be roughly 50-60 a week. In theory, I could just about pay my bills between the two. I'd rather find another job to be sure about that.
What a foreign thought: me as a soldier. Hopefully the chaplains assistant job will work out. I could see that being a good gig.
Later tonight Jim and I will be meeting up with Jess and Sarah. Hopefully Sarah will be nice (not holding my breath). It will be nice to see Jess anyway.
I'm trying to figure out when me and Jim should get married. The recruiter helping out with some information would be good. Unfortunately, he is really hard to get on the phone. I'm not sure if there is something wrong with the phone, if he's terrible at calling people back, or just does not give a shit. This next week I will just stop in that way he can't hide. lol.

Not poetry but necessary...

So I'm talking to the air force recruiter on Tuesday. This is something that I never thought that I would ever consider, let alone be seriously considering.
I bought some running shoes to help me train for boot camp. I refuse to be one of those people that either give up or suffer horribly for not having been ready in the first place. Things that I think it is safe to assume:
1) Recruiters are salesman
2) Regardless of what they say, I could end up in any job, anywhere.
3) The only things that they can guarantee: a place to live, a paycheck, insurance, and opportunities for advancement.
4) No matter what I do to prepare for boot camp, it is sure to kick my butt.

If I do sign that dotted line (which, at this point is almost assured), Jim and I will be getting married before I take off for boot camp. While we are already engaged, this would result in the shortest engagement ever (roughly 2 months). I am really O.K. with marrying him, especially as this is the only way that we would not be separated.
I am just really at my wits end professionally. After high school, I went to massage therapy school. This resulted in working seven days a week with no benefits and not enough money to support myself. Then after that crashed and burned, I decided to go back to school. While going to M.C.C., I worked full time at the bank (a job that I hated) to pay for my Associate's Degree. Then I finally was going to attend I.S.U. I was so excited that I had finally made it to the campus. I had my own place, I loved my classes, and was very optimistic about my upcoming teaching career. Throughout my time at I.S.U., the Illinois government got progressively in more debt to the point that schools were not getting paid what the state owed them. This means every state job, or jobs even related to the state were at this point fucked. I was almost done with my education thought. I thought "Well, surely if I am prepared to move, then I will get a teaching job". This was a great theory, but it proved unfruitful. I applied to out of state schools, in state schools, and even tried to get a job through the pioneer center as a case aid. All this summer, I have been able to pay my bills with the readings that I have been giving and working with a local artist. That is, until a month ago when both dropped off. I was in serious trouble with no way to pay 2 of my bills. My parents lent me money so that I could pay my bills. While I continue to work for the local artist, this money is not even close to what I need to make. Of the $1000 that my parents lent me, I only have about 340 left. I am running out of options quickly. I can either decide to go into a career that I have no interest in with no guarantees, or I can join the military which means that I might not like it, but with some guarantees. Some of my friends think I am making this decision too quickly. They might be right, however, I am not willing for my life to continue on in this way. I want to live with Jim. I want to make a decent salary. I want to be able to be somewhere in my life that I can be proud of myself and my accomplishments. Right now, I am 26. I am living with my parents. The only way that I can pay for my bills is through the money my parents have lent me. My student loans are coming due in December, automatically adding 500 to my monthly bills. I can't even pay the ones that I have now.
I love Jim. I am very excited to be his wife and to start our lives together. I can't help but think that this is the quickest and best way to do so. On Tuesday, assuming that they are interested in me, I want to start the process of being in the air force. Pretty much anything that they could offer me would be better than what I have now financially. I've been told to trust, to believe, and I have. At this point though, I need more than belief. I need a lot of change for the better. Perhaps this was my destiny all along and I was just to stubborn to see it. All I know is I believe in myself, in my relationship with Jim, in my friends and families love for me, and in God (despite everything). I am really ready and will commit myself to the unknown of the military so that Jim and I can have our chance. My current path has ended. I'm done.